5.12.24: A year going by in a flash – Part 2 ~ May to August

 

May 2024: How do I start to truly believe in myself? I think that question is one of my main issues. I don't actually believe in myself, in my own skills, my achievements, my abilities, my future. Part of that is because I don't see myself really belonging, belonging in this world, belonging anywhere really and that's another aspect I have to work on. But it starts with me not believing in myself.

How am I truly supposed to get anywhere, much less where I want to be, if I don't believe I can ever get there? If every little step I take feels somewhat in vain anyway, what's the point? Why do I even bother? Of course I know and actually believe that there are a lot of great things about the journey alone. Really the journey is the goal. The goal itself is just a nice little bonus, the cherry on top.

Is it the same with believing in myself? Is the fact that I am starting this journey of learning to believe in myself already where I want to be, the actual goal with the end result I am aiming for only being the bonus? I guess that is a way to take off the pressure. Sometimes I need pressure but sometimes it just feels crushing and makes everything worse. I need the right amount of pressure.

I am not yet entirely sure how exactly I can build up my belief in myself. Changing my negative belief of not being good enough, my skills not meaning anything and my achievements being pointless is one very important step, but I think there is more to it. Just telling myself that I am in fact enough, that I have great skills and use them all the time, that I am proud of my achievements and they will get me where I want to be, will only be able to do so much. It's the very basic foundation, the first brick and I need many more to have a stable ground to stand on.

But I'll figure it out. I can do this. I tell myself that all the time and I do believe that, I really do. It just takes time, dedication, determination and some hard work, but that's okay. I am now in a place where I can start working on myself and building myself up, starting by believing in myself.

June 2024: I have so many swirling thoughts about 'Being who I want to be' swirling in my head. It so often feels like something impossible to achieve, almost even feels like a lie, a deception. Of course I can't just be who I want to be. How is that supposed to work? It takes effort and time and dedication and all those sorts of things that I don't always or even rarely have. So how the hell am I just supposed to be who I want to be!?

The truth is that I already have achieved a lot. I am already the person I want to be in many ways. If I went back only a few years I would be incredibly impressed with the things I have managed to do and with that how I have come closer to being who I want to be.

Writing everyday or at least writing a lot was something I always saw as part of who I want to be and I was already doing that for years and years and yes, I fell off a bit recently, but I am working my way back into it and the fact that I already did it for many years, that I am dedicated to getting there again, that I feel this joy and passion and need to write by itself already shows that I am a writer, that I write regularly, that I create characters and worlds and stories, that writing is my passion, my calling. That has been something that I already am for a long long time. That part of being who I want to be I already reached and I am proud of that.

Doing Yoga pretty much every day or at least every other day, again regularly, but actually daily for the most part, is another big achievement that is part of who I want to be. I am someone that does Yoga a lot, that loves Yoga and that through Yoga is more active, more mentally and emotionally stable, calmer, more at peace, more connected. It's lovely. It's something I am so proud of and something that makes me happy every single day.

Being vegan is another big topic that makes me feel extremely happy and proud. For years and years of watching vegan youtubers I thought I could never do it while wanting to do it so much. It was one of those things that felt so impossible to me and yet here I am! Here I am having been vegan for 1,5 years at this point! And I have no intention whatsoever of ever stopping being vegan. I didn't always know that this is something I would care about so much, similar to Yoga which I only really discovered once I had tried it out. But it was something that was on my mind for so long and I knew the person who I want to be would be vegan and now I did it, I've been doing it for over a year! How wonderful is that!?

Those are just three things that are part of the person I want to be and I successfully turned them into three things that are actually part of me, of my daily life, of who I am. There are many other things I have at least partly achieved, things I always work on, big things I know I want to and in a way have to get to in the future. There is still a lot more I need to do, need to change to really fully be who I want to be, but some puzzle pieces are already there and I am so happy and proud of that.

August 2024: I have tried picking apart and putting into words what my struggles are many many times and sometimes I feel like it is good enough, it's a start, it's something, but I am never really satisfied with it, never feel like it captures the full picture, always feel like something is forgotten, left out, maybe even undiscovered, still hidden within my deepest depths. And I don't know how to get to it. I don't know how to make it right, how to make it perfect.

That is a struggle in and of itself, isn't it? This need to make it perfect, this feeling of it never being quite right. I know logically that it is impossible to make it perfect, to really capture all of it because that “all of it” is all of me and how can all of me ever fit into a few words, a few notes, a few lines attempting to explain what I am struggling with? Of course that can not work. Of course not. And still I wish it did. Still I wish I could lay all of myself bare, could present myself openly and completely, could show all the things I have such a hard time showing.

I feel like if I was able to do that, I could finally be seen, fully and unmasked. I tried to make myself invisible for a long long time. It was comfortable to not be seen, to not be noticed, to stay in the shadows, to stay hidden. It felt safe. There was reassurance in the loneliness. No one was bothering me, no one was laughing at me, no one was judging me.

There is so much within me that I don't know how to convey to people. Hell, I struggle to convey it to myself, even though I feel it so clearly, so obviously, so brutally at times.

I do believe that all of my issues, the social ones, the emotional ones, the functional ones, exist because there is something deep within me. It might be some childhood trauma of emotional neglect or an undiagnosed neurodivergency like autism or ADHD or both. It might just be me and insecurities that are weighing me down. I don't know. But I would like to know because I think knowing what it is will finally give me the chance of being able to deal with it, to handle it, to find ways that actually work for me.

It would be so nice if someone could help me get over these rocks properly or help me break them down or find a way around them or whatever would be best, whatever would work for me. That would be so nice.

5.12.24: A year going by in a flash - Part 1 ~ February to April

 

February 2024: I am SO obsessed with this role play writing that my writing brain simply refuses to engage in any other writing and it would be fine, it is fine when I am able to indulge in the role play writing. But when I am not... when I have to be patient and wait around... that's a different story. It's so hard and so annoying and so frustrating and I just don't know what to do with myself!

Do I just accept this as how things are right now? I kind of feel like I have no other choice. I could try to push myself to write on something else, but even the thought of that feels wrong. I do not want to do it. I want to write on the role play and nothing else. Nothing else seems appealing, satisfying, rewarding, enjoyable enough.

I depend on writing getting me through so much that not being able to just do it, feels like I have nothing to cling to, nothing to help me move forward, nothing to get my creativity, my thoughts, my feelings out there. It's creative starvation. I am so hungry for some good writing and I am left here starving.

Hell, I am being so dramatic about this, but that is just how I feel. And I am a writer. Why the hell would I not be dramatic? It's okay and nice and fun to be dramatic. I like being dramatic. I am reclaiming being dramatic for myself. I am a dramatic writer that can't write by themself anymore because right now I can only do shared meals and no one is eating with me at this time. Poor poor me.

Now I am laughing at myself. This is so silly. But that is also okay. I can be silly as much as I can be dramatic. It's just part of life, part of me. I'd rather laugh then keep feeling so frustrated. I'd rather write this than write nothing at all. It's okay. I am okay. And I will write again. And it will all be good. It will be.

March 2024: I feel like I have tried to find some sort of balance all my life. There was a time where I thought I kind of had it, where I felt like I was a pretty balanced person, but that was when I was still in school and school came mostly easy to me. During school most things regarding keeping myself alive were being taken care of for me. All I had to do was go to school, do some learning, have pretty good grades and that was it. I know I struggled back then too. I was tired a lot then too. I tried to have some sort of schedule and routine and order then too. I thought I needed more discipline then too.

This is something that has always been on my mind. Probably not as a child, but as soon as it felt like there were things I needed to achieve and things I really wanted to do, things I felt really invested in and wanted to work on. I remember writing myself so many plans and trying to follow them and they never really worked, not in the long run. I always ended up feeling kind of restricted by them, like I was more forcing myself to do things instead of actually wanting to do them, things became work and stopped being fun, so I wasn't in the mood to do them anymore at all. But at the same time when I stopped following those plans, those schedules I felt like I wasn't able to get anything at all done anymore.

So the answer here is balance, isn't it? Balance between planning and scheduling some things and just going with the flow, letting my mood carry me with other things. I seem to be unable to find that balance. It's all or nothing for me. Or at least it feels like that's the only two phases I can really be in. I either want to do all the things and try to make a plan, try to schedule or at least make a list or I will feel like not doing anything and everything is overwhelming and I am just not in the mood to do any of the things I otherwise would like to do and my brain will be in avoidance mode constantly, just pushing everything off again and again and again.

I hate it. I hate it so much. It's the most annoying and frustrating thing ever to me. Especially since whenever I am in a phase where I want to do all the things and it feels like I can if I just really put my mind to it and then I actually get some things done and everything seems to be good, I feel like I was being an idiot before in the phase where nothing seemed appealing and nothing worked and I got nothing done. In the phase where I can actually do things, it feels way more easy, way more effortless and that in turn makes me feel like before I was just being overly dramatic and lazy and all I had to do was just push myself a little bit more.

I know that's not true. I know when I am in the bad phase things really are hard for me and everything is tiring and draining and even the smallest tasks are requiring so much from me. Hell, even in the good phase many things are still a lot for me. Even in the good phase I struggle with doing things that seem very big and overbearing to me. Even in the good phase there are things I can't just simply do, things I keep avoiding and not just those, even things that I enjoy and would actually like to do I will still keep pushing off because I am just not quite feeling it.

How would balance actually help me with that? And what balance? Where even is that balance and how could I possibly reach it? And even if I did, would it really make me as happy, as stable, as put together as I think it would? Or is that just me idealizing this supposed solution to something that seems like I will struggle with it all my life?

Of course this comes down again to me possibly having ADHD and/or being autistic. Sounds likely in this context, doesn't it? The constant struggle of trying to do things, the fact that everything feels draining and overwhelming, the intense excitement, the want to do things but the failure in execution, the procrastination, the inability to prioritize important things over easy things that bring me some form of joy, some form of dopamine, the wish for balance, discipline, some form of order that would magically fix everything or at least make it easier.

And if that is what it is, if it is just part of how my brain works, what is the solution then? Is there even one? Should I even be looking for a solution? Well, at least I would like to have something that helps. That would already be something. And I do think balance is part of that somewhere, somehow. Isn't everything in life about balance at the end of the day? Balance, being able to do enough of everything, to be enough, not too much and not too little but just right. Ah, kind of sounds like perfectionism too, doesn't it? Huh.

There is definitely insecurity here for me, a lot of it. I do think others that “have it more together” are better than me, are able to live a better life, maybe even have it easier, at least in this aspect. I don't feel like I am able to be who I want to be, who I think I could be if only... If only.

If only I had that balance. If only I could do the more difficult things more easily. If only they didn't even feel that difficult. If only things were easier. If only everything wasn't so draining. If only my mind didn't feel like such a mess all the time. If only I wasn't so focused on constantly having and doing something that brings me joy. If only I was better. If only I was more. If only I could reach my true potential.

April 2024: Is it just excitement? Is it just a dream, an illusion? Is it just make belief, something I tell myself to feel better about myself? Is it just my motivation, what is driving and pushing me, what is keeping my passion, my fire alive?

What is potential even? What is untapped potential? My “true” potential? Is it everything I could do, everything I think about doing? How can I actually use it? Or am I already using it?

So many questions and no real answers, only the answers I give myself. And what are those really if not my beliefs? How could they be facts or even universal facts? They can only ever be what I think they are. If they are facts to me, they are facts to me. If there is doubt, uncertainty, they will never be facts, only ideas, only theories.

Is that my “true” potential? Does that lie in recognizing that I can make things facts for me if I only believe in them? Is all I have to do belief in my true potential being realized? Well, I still have to put in work of course. Believing is only the first step, one of many puzzle pieces, a fracture of the whole picture.

Potential, true potential, achieving that is a complex thing because of course it is. Everything is complex at the end of the day, isn't it? There are so many facets, so many elements, so many aspects and sides to everything. A good mixture makes a good thing. Potential or call it talent isn't the only thing needed. It never was and it never will be.

Maybe that is the true issue for me. I keep going back to what potential I think I might have, what might be hidden deep inside of me, without ever considering the other elements. Maybe it's not potential that I am lacking, that I still need to tap into, because I can in fact feel it, I know it is there. Maybe what I have to actually consider are the other aspects.

Aspects like... discipline which I am terrible at. Routines I am okay at. So that's a way I could become more disciplined. That is something I have to and can work on, something practical, something tangible.

I used to have the routine of writing in the evening at some point. One thousand words a day – that was my goal for a long long time and I managed to do that during that time for the most part. Simply because I wanted to, almost because I had to. The routine became so much a part of me, I always felt an urge to writing during the time of my writing routine. It became somewhat inescapable and I got sad when I couldn't do my writing routine. Whenever that happened, something was missing, something was off, my day, I, was incomplete.

Then eventually my goal became 500 words a day. Be it lack of energy, lack of focus or so many other things like responsibilities, studies, work and so on and so forth, whatever it was exactly and it was probably a mix of things I realized one thousand words a day was just not that achievable for me anymore. That was okay. That still is okay. Hell, now a part of me thinks I should maybe dial it back even more. Writing 500 words every day can feel a lot like chore.

Writing is not a chore though, it never is. Writing is a creative process. It's not even the writing that is a routine. It can't be. It's a passion. It's art. It's a creative flow. You can't set the clock for that. That's not how it works and it never will. Taking the time to write – that is the routine. Feeling that urge at that time shows, even proofs that the routine is working, even if the actual writing can't really happen sometimes. You are not a machine. Your writing is not an automated process that you just have to start and then after a while of doing it a product will be spit out. Technically you could see it that way, but it simply does not actually work like that and that is okay, that is good even, that makes it real and human and something done out of creative passion.

I write all the time and I love it and sometimes I have to remind myself of that when I have a day where I don't really feel like it. I guess I felt like writing this entry though, so that is for sure something! I am happy I went with my gut feeling and just wrote this because I felt like it, because I had the urge to. I am doing that a lot recently – listening to my gut, following my urges, trying to understand what my body is telling me when it comes to going to sleep for example. It's interesting. I think I should keep it up.

24.6.24: Being who I want to be

I have so many thoughts about 'Being who I want to be' swirling through my head that I don't really know where to start. It is something that has been said many times over, something that's meant to be inspirational, motivational, empowering. Yet it so often feels like something impossible to achieve, almost even like a lie, a deception. Of course I can't just be who I want to be. How is that supposed to work? It takes effort and time and dedication and all those sort of things that I don't always or even rarely have. So how the hell am I just supposed to be who I want to be!?

It almost feels mocking, judgy, shaming. “If you aren't who you want to be, then what are you even doing? You have so much potential and yet you are not doing anything with it. You will never be the person you want to be.” Being who I want to be often has felt and feels like something that will never be achievable, something I am not meant to reach, something that will always just be some ideal I am running after but never getting closer to.

I think I am starting to realize, starting to really recognize and see that I was wrong or that I am wrong to feel like that. My perspective towards it is changing. I don't know if it has anything to do with changing negative beliefs into positive ones because I have not actively been working on that, but it might have helped unlock something within me, within my mind, my heart, my soul that is really changing my view on things, changing how I view myself and my own abilities.

Because the truth is that I already have achieved a lot. I am already the person I want to be in many ways. If I went back only a few years I would be incredibly impressed with the things I have managed to do, how I have come closer to being who I want to be. It's just hard to see, to realize and recognize that sometimes. It does take time and effort and dedication and all those things I don't always have, but I can manage to work on things sometimes and make progress and over time it can lead to great things, to great changes.

Writing everyday or at least writing a lot was something I always saw as part of who I want to be and I was already doing that for years and years and yes, I fell off a bit recently, but I am working my way back into it and the fact that I already did it for many years, that I am dedicated to getting there again, that I feel this joy and passion and need to write by itself already shows that I am a writer, that I write regularly, that I create characters and worlds and stories, that writing is my passion, my calling. That has been something that I already am and have been for a long long time. That part of being who I want to be I already reached and I am proud of that. I'll hold onto it. I'll keep working on continuing to be like that, to be someone that writes with never ending passion.

Writing so much is something that comes very naturally to me, but nonetheless I have to put in the effort and make time for it. It does often feel like I can never do everything I want to do and that is true to a degree, but I can finish things, I can give time to the projects I want to give time to and I have already learned somewhat how to do that, how to be better about that. I have already come such a long way with my writing and I will keep going ever further.

Doing Yoga pretty much every day or at least every other day, again regularly, but actually daily for the most part, is another big achievement that is part of who I want to be. I am someone that does Yoga a lot, that loves Yoga and that through Yoga is more active, more mentally and emotionally stable, calmer, more at peace, more connected to my body and myself, more present in the moment. It's lovely. It's something I am so proud of and something that makes me happy every single day.

This too took some effort and dedication and definitely discipline. I didn't build the routine to do Yoga so much over night. It took me many attempts of doing it for a while, stopping and then restarting, stopping again and so forth. But eventually I fully felt and understood how much I love doing it and how beneficial it really is for me, how right it feels and with that understanding, that feeling it was suddenly easy to get myself to do it a lot, every single day and now I miss it so much when I don't do it for whatever reason. I do now have this inherent need to just do it again whenever I can. It has become almost like writing. It is something I need and want so much. It has become an integral part of me. It has become part of who I am, another step, another puzzle piece of being who I want to be turning into being who I am.

Being vegan is another big topic that makes me feel extremely happy and proud. For years and years of watching vegan youtubers I thought I could never do it while wanting to do it so much. It was one of those things that felt so impossible to me and yet here I am! Here I am having been vegan for 1,5 years at this point! (At the time of posting this it's been 2 years!) And I have no intention whatsoever of ever stopping being vegan. I didn't always know that this is something I would care about so much, similar to Yoga which I only really discovered once I had tried it out. But it was something that was on my mind for so long and I knew the person who I want to be would be vegan and now I did it, I've been doing it for over a year! How wonderful is that!?

As I finished my bachelor thesis I decided to go all out or go all in and become fully vegan. Even before that I had already only very rarely eaten meat and a lot of the products I was consuming were vegan already, so it wasn't a huge chance at that point. As I moved back to my hometown though, back in with my mom, seeing my big family a lot for family events, going out to eat, many challenges presented themselves. There were for sure many times were giving up or giving in would have been easier and there were some little slip ups here and there, but that's okay. I am still very dedicated to this and staying dedicated to it because it is something I really deeply believe in.

Those are just three things that are part of the person I want to be and I successfully turned them into three things that are actually part of me, of my daily life, of who I am. There are many other things I have at least partly achieved, things I always work on, big things I know I want to and in a way have to get to in the future. There is still a lot more I need to do, need to change to really fully be who I want to be, but some puzzle pieces are already there and I am so happy and proud of that.

To me it really shows that I can be who I want to be, I already am who I want to be, in some ways at least, in important ways. It gives me hope, motivation, even energy. It makes me believe in myself which I think is something important I was and kind of still am lacking, but I know I can build it up. I can get there. I can become a person that believes in themself. I can make that a reality. I can change the perception of myself. I can grow beyond what I think is possible. I am who I want to be. I am becoming who I want to be. I'll be who I want to be. It is very much possible.

22.1.24: From the autumn of recovering to the winter of a new obsession

 

October 2023: I feel like a mess. In a good and in a bad way. I feel like everything is constantly spinning – around me and inside me, in opposite directions. Wouldn't that stabilize everything again? A plus and a minus make a... nothing? Zero. -1 plus +1 equal 0. Where am I even going with this? I don't know. Nowhere. And everywhere at once. That is what my brain, my thoughts, my mind are like – going nowhere and everywhere at once.

There is always some sort of conversation happening in my head. A lot of the time I am talking to myself, sometimes to specific people, sometimes to no one at all, to the universe maybe or the void, the emptiness. It can get quite dark in there sometimes. Those conversations, they can end in disaster. But they can also end in hope. Most often they end in me feeling silly because they would never happen the way they do in my head in real life. Which... that is exaclty the point, isn't it? It's not supposed to be real, not at all. It's all just in my head for a reason. Be it practice, be it coping, be it just for fun, for entertainment, as a distraction. Be it whatever.

I am shaking right now. I want to cry and I don't know why. Maybe it's the relief finally setting in. Or it's fear. Knowing that I am starting something new again in a few days, something that's hopefully better, way way better, than the last few months, is very relieving, very freeing. But it is also scary. Anything new is so scary to me. It's also exciting for sure, but I think after the excitement always comes the fear with these things. I wish there was only excitement. I don't like the fear.

I don't like feeling afraid, insecure, anxious, incapable, forgetful, unconcentrated, lost. I don't feel like I belong here – in this world, this society. I feel like I am off somewhere in the clouds, somewhere far far away where it is much nicer. I want to live in my dreams, the good ones, the bright ones, the happy ones. I can imagine wonderful things for myself. I can dream the most wonderful dreams.

It's simple things that I want, nothing special. I am not asking for much. I just want to be happy, content, at peace, stable, free. That should be doable, right? That's not too much to ask, is it? Why does it feel so impossible then? Why does it feel like everything is upside down for me and I can't... do anything, go anywhere while everyone else seems to be fine? I know everyone has their struggles and we are all stuck in our own heads, our own lives in some way. I know that if I didn't have the problems I do, I would probably just have different ones. I don't think it's easy for anyone.

But why is it so hard for me? Is there a way to make it easier? What does that even mean? I don't know. I don't know anything. Well, that's not true. I do know stuff, so much stuff. I do think I am smart. I do think I can do thinks. In theory. Trying to put things to practice is... It's like not translating well. Something is disconnecting. It's me, I am disconnected. From everything. Sometimes even from myself. I am just drifting. Drifting through an endless sea of... of I don't even know what.

In all honesty I don't even know if I want to be found, be unlost, be fixed. I do want to heal, nourish myself, be happy. I do want that. But this swirling mess in my head, that's a part of me, if not the part of me. I think it's what makes me be able to write, to imagine, to dream, to see the world in the way that I do. What would I be if I didn't have that? Hell, I would feel even more empty. There would be nothing left.

Whenever I felt really down, it was my fantasy that saved me, that took me by the hand and lead me out of the darkness into a bright colourful place. Writing specifically has always giving me the outlet, the distraction, the opportunity to process that I needed. Without that I might not even be here anymore. I might have gone to even darker places.

I am getting out of a dark place right now, in real life. Using fantasy to cope is always temporary. It can't change anything in real life all by itself. It can help, get you through things, carry you over, hold your hand. But it can't act. You are the one acting and you have to act. I have to act. There is no sitting back and letting the story write itself. I need to be active, keep moving, keep pushing. I can do it. I already have everything I need within me.

That last sentence is my new life motto I think. I already have everything I need within me. Something about that sounds so powerful. Like I just need to channel this something within me. Like I just need to dig deep enough. Like I only have to peel back all the outer layers. Somewhere in me what I need already exists. I can find it and make it shine. Make it shine so bright, it will outshine all the darkness, make all the shadows go away. That sounds nice.

There is so much inside of me. And I rarely ever let it show. I put it down into words like this or in the form of stories. I talk with friends online in detail. I like to pick things apart, to analyze, to go really deep, to talk things through. I like to listen to my own spinning thoughts. I like my mind to wander, to dream, to imagine. I want the world to see. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. I don't want to hold back, hide away, make myself invisible anymore. I am so done with that. It's so exhausting.

I want to be free, to let go, to let it out. I want to be me. Just me, freely, unapologetically. I already have everything I need inside me and that's it – all of this wonderful mess I have going on in my head, that is everything I need. It's all there, inside me. It has been there all along. I just need to finally set it free.

November & December 2023: I did not write anything in my personal journey where I take bits and pieces from for this blog in november and december of 2023, so there is nothing from there that I could put here. But I can say that the new thing, the new job was and is very good for me. Though it didn't give me everything I hoped for – which mainly is more time but also more energy – it did give me somewhat more time at least, time that I needed to recover.

I didn't use that time to do anything aside from that yet and I think looking back on it now in january of 2024 I couldn't. I simply could not yet focus on anything else. I had to recover first and find my way back to a place, a space, an energy level at which I can actually think about and pursue things that will push me forward. I am only now with january of 2024 being almost over getting to a point where I can do that.

January 2024: I found myself a new obsession, a sub-obsession to the one I have with this wonderful game that saved me in the summer of 2023. I found myself this new obsession and got hopelessly lost in it for the last few weeks. Has it really only been a few weeks? It feels much longer, mainly because it is so intense, so wonderful and I can't imagine my life without it right now, don't want to imagine it without it, want to cling to it and that's exactly what I've been doing and it's been great.

There is always a part of me that longs for finding some sort of rhythm, some sort of discipline, some sort of plan. I think that is the potentially autistic part of me. The part that craves that order, those rules, the structure and safety that it provides.

Then there always is another part of me that thrives on the chaos, on just letting myself be swept away by whatever I feel the urge to pursue in that moment, by whatever catches my eyes, spurs my motivation, activates my creativity, satisfies this urge of intense immersion in one thing. I'd say that is the potentially ADHD part of me, though that last bit also applies to being autistic. It's the part that is running, spinning, vibrating at all times always, that gets me excited so easily, that gets me invested so deeply, that makes me want joy over anything else.

It's not hard to see how much those two parts tend to clash and to me it never feels like there is a balance, more like a constant fight and for some periods of time one part wins over the other before the next fight breaks out and maybe the same part will win again or the other one gets a turn for however long until the next fight happens.

In some way it's a bit funny, but for the most part it is a struggle. It's hard. It's overbearing, overwhelming, overly exhausting. Clinging to that one thing that brings me so much joy, which I am currently in a phase like that with my newest obsession, prevents me from doing anything else I might like to do, because that one thing takes up all the space, all the time. It's like a black hole, sucking everything else into it. Other things might still bring me joy, but not to the same amount, not with the same intensity, so of course all my focus is on that one thing that brings me the most joy that I crave so much, that I need to keep going, to be motivated, to feel alive.

I don't know if I am getting back to a stage now where I can at least somewhat branch out again or if I have simply gathered enough strength through getting so much joy from this one thing. Maybe both, like usually it's probably both. Because I do feel like I now have some strength that I didn't have before, that I was always trying to find, that I felt like I could never have because everything is always already so exhausting. I need all my strength for that. Where would I possibly get more strength from?

Well, I guess I have either found enough strength now or I have some left over and found some space because I am on a nice little five day vacation break and I am finally recovered enough from the summer of being gone, have finally found my way back enough to take care of my way going forward. It's still scary and overwhelming, but I know I can make the first step now. I am ready.

29.9.23: From the spring of feeling lost to the summer of being gone

 

I was going to write that a lot has happened since my last post, but it would be more accurate to say that nothing has happened. The thing that I hoped to happen, that I had put my hopes on and imagined as my future, didn't happen. Now I am feeling really lost. – That is what I wrote at the end of April after getting rejected for an apprenticeship as a librarian.

Right now I am just feeling a bit defeated at seeing how much of a struggle it really is for me to find work that actually feels like it suits me, where the challenges and struggles and expectations don't feel like I have to basically become another person to manage them. I guess my core belief of the traditional work life just not being for me will just always hold true and that is my hardest ultimate challenge. – That is what I wrote exactly one month later in late May after three days of an internship at a local manga store.

After the never ending winter came the spring dreams that didn't become true and now I am afraid that this summer will be filled with nightmares. Even if it ends up becoming the summer of new beginnings, I feel like I have been in this stage of new beginnings for a while now, so it wouldn't really be the summer of new beginnings I feel like. Well, maybe the wording would still make sense since I think these last few months are more like the months of struggle instead of the months of new beginnings. – That is what I wrote in the middle of June as I was trying to deal with things that I had pushed off for way too long.

That entry continued:
It's nothing new that I didn't take care of things that needed to be taken care of for a while. I have done this before. It is still a bit weird to me though. Like I know that ignoring things does not lead to anything good, but I still do it. Can I just not help it? Is it really ADHD which makes it easy to just forget things or autism which can mean that something being demanded of me gets avoided? If it was, would that really mean that I can't help it? And what would that mean? What would be the consequence of that? That I just can't do certain things? That I need help?
I mean I already know that I need help.

My emotional state at the time was as follows:
That's how I am feeling now – overwhelmed and lost. I can see myself doing many things and there are many options for me, but it's just all too much. I feel like I am drowning in it, like I can't breathe. I really honestly do not know where to go from here or more like how. How do I move forward? How do I stop being this stuck?

As always I tried to cheer myself up:
I can do better, I do still believe that, but it's hard. It's a challenge and it might always be that way. This might never ever come easy to me. I might always struggle with this at least to some degree. That's kind of terrifying in it's own way. Fuck, why is the whole world just so terrifying? I am really hoping for a summer of new beginnings and not a summer of nightmares, I am already terrified enough, thank you.

Then I wrote this at the end of July, feeling worse:
I don't feel like I can write on some silly fanfic today. I've been trying really hard at continuing my 500 words a day streak and it's been going really well, but today I just feel really really sad and hurt and lost and damn, I am just not doing well at all and I hate, I hate it so so much. I don't want to feel like this. I just want to feel better and be okay.
The thing is I think I was never really okay. There was a time where I thought I was a very balanced person and that I was handeling life well, but... I think that if that is actually the case you don't think things like that. If you are actually balanced and handeling life well, you don't even think about it, you don't even realize it. You only think about it and realize it because you have not been doing well previously and you know how easily and quickly you could end up feeling terrible again. You are painfully aware of how fragile you are, how vulnerable, how sensitive and how hard you have to work to stay balanced, to manage life, do be doing okay.
That is me, I am painfully aware of all these things about me and right now I am at a point in my life where I feel all of that so intensely that I can't pretend anymore. And yet I still try to pretend every single fucking day because that is all I have ever known, that is all that feels comfortable and safe. And yes, I do want someone to see, to point it out, to be like “No, actually I can see that you are not okay!”. But I am too good at pretending, too good at hiding it, too good at masking.
Or maybe it's not even that. Maybe people just don't want to see it or they simply don't care. I feel very strongly that no one actually cares about me and I know it is not true. It is not true at all. There are people who care. I know if on a logical level, but I just can't feel it.

Two days later I wrote about feeling worthless because of things that feel worthless to me:
I think I am worthless in regards to how I fit into society, more specifically: work places, communicating, traditional values and systems. I am not worth anything in society's and my own eyes when it comes to those areas within the society I live in. And why is that? It is exactly because I personally think those areas are worthless to myself. It's a self-sustaining circle. My own worthlessness within society comes from the worthlessness I see in society.

This lead me to the following conclusion about what worth work has to me:
So the only worth in work that remains is making money. And honestly that is simply not enough for me. Money as the sole worth, the sole reason for doing something works for a little while. I can deal with it, I can cope, I can handle it. For a little while. I can manage it for a little bit longer when the circumstances are right and I have already figured out that spending as little time as possible on work and being in control of when I do that are two very big factors. Those are things that have value to me, that are worth a lot to me – my own free time and control of work time. In turn those are giving me value, giving me worth because they mean that I choose the time that I work very deliberately, I actively make time for work, so when I work I am more productive, more focused. I am there for the work and the work only.
Now to find a work that makes this possible! Or even better: A work that I am also personally passionate about, that does not even feel like work work, that is actually fun and something I want to do anyway, be it for work or not. Well, this feels like a situation where only two out of four options are possible or maybe even just one. I just wish making money wasn't something that you have to tick off each time. Because that always leads to situations where making money becomes the focus or making money just is the focus of working. I mean working is meant for making money, so it does make sense. I simply hate that making money is such a huge focus of adult life and life in general. It irks me endlessly.

And again I tried to cheer myself up:
And I feel like as long as I focus on my two goals of finding a money-making job that gives me enough control over my work time as well as is interesting enough along with figuring out how to make money with the things I already love to do, as long as I stay focused on that I can endure the purely money-making job. I will endure it for the sake of those two goals. I can do this. I will do this. I am worthless in a job that is worthless to me for the time being, but in the end even this worthlessness will have a worth because it is the ground on which I walk towards the work with worth that will give me worth as well.

Now it is the end of september, almost two months later, and I already got to the point of not being able to endure it any longer. Actually I think I have not been able to endure it anymore for a while. I felt gone, so so far gone. I felt like I was not here anymore. I felt like I didn't exist. Everything felt so surreal, so far away, like I was far away myself and everything was far away from me as well. It was like I wasn't alive, I just... wasn't there. I was just a shell, a marionette, a puppet played by society to fit all of those terrible expectations I am supposed to fulfill, especially the money-making one, maybe even just purely that one.

[TW for the next paragraph only: Suicidal thoughts]
Feeling like that was just how it was going to be, how the working life is like, made me want to not exist anymore. I never actually wanted to die. I don't think suicidal thoughts are even about that at all. If you have those thoughts, it's not and never about dying. It's the opposite – it's about wanting to live, wanting to live so desperately while at the same time it feels like there is no way to fulfill that want, that need. Because you can't live with the way things are, the way your life is, whatever it is that you are experiencing. You can't live like that, your need to live is not being met, is impossible to be met. That is when you want to die – when you actually so desperately want to live, but there is no way to do it, so the only thing you can do, is die.
I feel like if I let this go on for longer, for long enough, I would have gotten to that point.

I don't know how, but somehow I still managed to have some joy, some excitement, something that gave me life while I felt so far gone, so out of this world. A silly little video game called Baldur's Gate 3 gave me that joy, that excitement, that life. It saved me. It truly saved me.

I am talking about all this like it is in the past or even long in the past, but it's not at all. This is the first day I feel somewhat present again, somewhat back in this world and it's still all a bit hazy. I am actually physically sick (just an ear infection), so there isn't just this mental whatever going on.

Somehow somewhere in all of that mess or insanity or whatever you want to call it, that disassociative state paired with this physical sickness, I managed to get myself out of the situation that was causing all of it. I actually managed to look at job listings in that desperate state of knowing that I had to change something or something else would happen, something not good. And I found a job listing that sounded exactly like what I needed – way less hours, late hours, still an okay-ish pay. Not like money matters to me at all or that I even need much to begin with. It's the end of the month and I still have what to me feels like so much in my bank account and I am about to get my next pay check. What do I need that money for? Why am I selling my time, my body, my wellbeing for money that will just sit in my bank account?

Like yeah it is super nice to have that money, don't get me wrong. It does make me feel a bit more stable, a bit more secure, less worried and all that. It does feel nice. I do need it in that sense. But what is the cost of me having that money? Is it worth that cost? The answer is a very clear hard: No, not at all! Nothing is worth feeling the way forcing myself to work like this made me feel.

I know for a fact that I need more time to myself, for time to rest, to cope, to deal with life. If I spend so much time on working and commute, there is just nothing left. Yes, I was able to still do some hobbies – writing, reading, watching stuff, playing that wonderful game that saved me. But it was more like I was clinging to them, they were my safety buoy, my literal lifesaver. I would have drowned without them. They were all that I had left, all that kept me afloat. They gave me that little energy, that little spark of motivation to keep going. They let me focus on something nice, kept my mind off of the darkest darkness. They were my last line of defence.

Through those hobbies I was able to rest, recover, cope and deal that tiny bit that I needed to keep pushing myself, to keep going, to not give up. But they would not have been able to do that forever. It was like they were the extreme battery saving setting that still let me have that tiny bit of battery. Even that would have run out eventually. And I guess it kind of did. Me getting sick really showed me that I just can't keep going any longer.

I don't know how others cope with this. It baffles me. How do people live like that? How do people work 40 hours a week or even more!? HOW!? It seems so impossible, so horrible, so destructive to me. Is everyone just miserable all the fucking time? Is everyone just better at accepting it? Is everyone just disassociating far worse than I did without even noticing? Is everyone just walking around as shells? How... Just how... I don't understand.

Fuck, I never thought adult working life would be this hard, would make me struggle this much. I recently realized that I never even thought this far. All I had was this vague idea that I would study something related to literature and I would write my stories and hopefully become an author I guess. But I always knew that was a dream, a silly little dream and though I now feel like I can actually make that dream possible, I didn't think that at the time. So I didn't really have any actual plans. Yeah, I said I would maybe work at a publishing house and stuff like that, but I never saw myself doing that. I only saw myself writing stories. That's the one thing that's for sure – me writing stories. Nothing else is certain.

I didn't really have a goal, a plan, anything like that. I just wanted to write and dream and yeah, basically not deal with the actual reality of life. I was delusional. I kept pushing off facing reality and now it is hitting me hard, knocking me off my feet, pushing me down and holding me there, pressing all the air out of my lungs. I am gasping, trying to struggle, but I feel so weak, so so weak. Just giving up sounds so nice. That was never really an option for me though. I do take strength from those weakest moments. I do turn them into something powerful. I will fight this off, fight reality off and bend it within my possibilities to get it to be the way I need it to be. I am not strong, but I am resilient. In my own way.

I am able to breathe again now, at least a little bit. Soon I can take deeper, fuller breaths. Soon I can live again. I already feel so much more alive, so much more present, so much more capable. I've wanted to write this whole experience down for so long and now I finally could. I made it this far and I will come out the other side. I believe in myself.

I was gone, but now I am slowly but surely returning. I was gone, but now I am coming back.

10.3.23: The winter that seems to last forever

 

It's almost the middle of March now and it still feels like it's winter. It is 0°C right now and there is actually snow outside, on the ground, a few centimeters high. It started falling last night and continued well into the day and then started again later in the day. So it is almost the middle of March but somehow it is still winter.

I don't remember how cold it was in like October and November, but even if we disregard those, this winter has been lasting for over three months, the cold has been lasting for over three months. It does not feel like March yet at all. It does not feel like spring yet at all. Apparently it will be 13°C pretty soon which is an intense temperature shift. Hopefully then it will stay at a higher temperature. Hopefully then it will finally start feeling like spring.

I feel like I really need that. Usually I've never been one to get too annoyed by the cold, definitely not by winter itself. I like the coziness of it. I like snow too. But not in March. I actually prefer the cold over the hot for sure. But I've had enough of it for this season. I finally want some warmth, some spring, some flowers, some change, some growth.

It's not just the actual continuous cold that makes it feel like this winter is lasting forever, in addition to that the phase I, my life is in right now also feels like it is an everlasting winter. Going from studying to I guess the work life is the weirdest transition ever to me. Everything feels weird, out of place, out of my control, wrong even. The traditional work life right now seems so odd to me, so undesirable, so draining, so wasteful. I don't want to work to be able to live. What life is that even if you work 8 hours for 5 days a week most weeks for decades on end? What is there left for living? I don't understand how people can live like that. Isn't everyone just miserable and if so, how do people still stick with that?

I have been in many situations where I have felt miserable and still kept going, so it's not like I am a stranger to that. I can do it, at least for a little while. But in most cases it will just end up making me feel even more miserable until I get to the point where I just can't stand it anymore. Do other people not have that? Or do they just live with that and still keep going? Do they feel like they have no other choice? Probably. I mean they probably really don't have or at the very least don't see another choice, especially with the way everything is becoming more expensive currently. Even an 8 hours a day 5 days a week job in many cases does not pay well enough to really live without worry. How fucking broken is this system?

Sounds very broken to me. Sadly that fact does not change anything at all about me having to somehow adjust, fit into that system in however way I can. I am struggling so much with that and I have a feeling this might either keep going for quite a while or it might actually never stop being a struggle and I guess that is what I am currently having to come to terms with. Funny enough I think I kind of always knew that I would struggle a lot with the work life thing, especially the 8 hours a day 5 days a week thing and the only solution I really see is that I just have to do my best to avoid that. I think 20 hours a week might be fine for me, maybe even 25. I don't care about making a lot of money at all. I just want to make enough to be okay, to be comfortable enough.

Currently I am just working a really small job that's about 10 hours a week and that definitely does not make enough money. Even with living with my mom and only paying a tiny bit of rent to her, this is not enough and I am also not happy with just working this little. It makes me feel uneasy and restless. Though it is nice that it gives me lots of time to make lots of youtube videos which is what I have been doing to structure my days and it is really fulfilling, but I don't even have 100 subs, so there is no way for me to make any kind of money from it currently and I truly don't think I will ever get there. That also isn't my goal. As nice as it would be to make money through youtube videos, I don't think it's realistic for me. Still I enjoy it as a hobby for sure. It's been a thing for 2,5 months now, so yay!

My plan for the future, that is already well in motion, is doing an apprenticeship at a library or actually multiple libraries. I have thought about working at a library for a while and there is something about it that feels really right. I wish I could have done an internship to really feel it out, but when I had the chance to do it as part of my studies (I did actually get approved for an internship at a library), it ended up not being possible due to me having to do too many hours (funny enough 8 hours 5 days a week for I think it was 6 weeks). But the application process for the apprenticeship has been going well so far. I had to do some tests and just today I got invited to do an interview which I am kinda scared of, but hopefully it will be okay and this will work out.

The reason why I have chosen to do an apprenticeship is that I feel like I am lacking practical skills big time. That's what I noticed when I tried getting into translating. I just had no practical experience with the field. Of course I can translate things, but there is much more to it when you want to do it as a job and as much as I tried finding my way into it, I felt way too overwhelmed. So I am hoping that an apprenticeship will be the right thing to teach me how to actually do the work life thing. I did have many part-time jobs here and there, so it's not like I never worked. I worked quite a lot and did quite a few different things over the years. But those were all small jobs like what I am doing now and while I actually liked some of them (including the one I am doing right now) they are for one not enough to make enough money and I am not really passionate about them.

I do think I need to have some passion for the work I will be spending so much time on, even if I end up being able to do just 20-25 hours it will still be a lot of my time. Working at a library I feel like can really be something I feel passionate about. I love books. I love how libraries make knowledge and stories accessible to people. I love organizing. I love that libraries are important to society. I think libraries really connect a lot of the things in one place that I am already passionate about and that's why working there has already been something that has been on my mind for a while.

So I am really hoping that this works out and that with that the everlasting winter that is my current life phase will end and it can finally be spring again. Finishing university did give me so much excitement and that is still in me. I still feel this excitement for moving forward, discovering new horizons, experiencing this change and everything it has to offer for me. I want that to keep growing, to become even more excited, to learn, to take opportunities, to see everything life has to offer me.

The future actually doesn't scare me. It is full of opportunities, of possibilities, of new exciting things. I am more than ready for that. I am more than ready for (my) spring.

1.1.23: Documenting and sharing

I love to document things and I love to share things. Both of these things used to go very much hand in hand for me. I documented things through blogposts, through tweets, through youtube videos and in the same breath I shared them. I enjoyed the thought of others seeing my thoughts, seeing little parts of my life. I loved talking into the void with the possibility of the void sometimes not being as much of a void and talking back to me. I love the connections I made through that, the friends I found, the experiences I had, the memories that were created and then again documented and shared.

To me this is essentially what social media is all about – documenting and sharing and creating connections that way. I love that side of social media so much and for a long time I had so much fun with it and I still do, I definitely still do. But things have changed, I have changed and the way I feel about social media has changed. Like I just said I still love it the same way I used to before, but I have been struggling with the sharing aspect of it for quite a while.

I think it is partly due growing up and maturing – realizing that you don't have to and don't want to and shouldn't share everything. Naturally I have many things documented that I never shared, decided against sharing, did not feel ready to share, never even thought about sharing. Those are not the things I struggle with.

What I struggle with are the things I want to share but something prevents me from doing so. Sometimes it is just time and forgetfulness, thinking about sharing something in the middle of the night when it would make more sense to do it during the day. But even with that I don't struggle too much, I have long accepted it as a part of my life and as much as it annoys me and I would like to change it, it is not too bad.

What really bothers me are the many things I get second thoughts about. I become hyperaware of how people might see and understand it, how it will make them see me, what implications it has, how others will react, what they might think, how it could come back to haunt me, even the most innocent things.

Now that I have written it out like this it sounds a lot like social anxiety and it's weird because social media was my escape from social anxiety for the longest time. It was the space where I felt comfortable to just be who I am, where I felt free and unrestrained, where I felt like me. That is what got taken away from me, what made me struggle to share things. I did not feel free and like myself anymore. Worse, I felt like I couldn't be free and like myself anymore.

I think I am now finally at a point of getting over this, of feeling free and like myself again online. I am ready now to tackle this struggle of sharing things. I miss blogging, I miss making youtube videos, I miss tweeting more or to put it generally: I really miss sharing stuff and feeling comfortable doing so, feeling excited about it, feeling seen and heard and making connections that way. While just documenting things without sharing them also has so much value, the sharing is an added feature, a bonus, the cherry on top.

At the start of November I asked myself: Do I want that still? I don't even like cherries, at least not raw or baked, but I do like their flavour. So I just want the flavour of sharing things?

Back then my answer was: I do definitely want to share some more again which is not something I can force, it's a process that comes naturally, I think. Just like how I naturally faded out before I will naturally fade back in now, at least that is what I am hoping for and what it feels like right now. Who knows, maybe I will actually end up posting this? On some new blog? We'll see.

Now I am one step further back into sharing more things again. I edited some old video footage and already posted it as new youtube videos. I am actively catching up with posting old pictures on my instagram. And this is the first post on my new blog. We'll see how well I'll be able to and want to keep up with all of this, but right now I am very much feeling it.

So here is to the future and a good 2023! Happy new year.