I love to document things and I love to share things. Both of these things used to go very much hand in hand for me. I documented things through blogposts, through tweets, through youtube videos and in the same breath I shared them. I enjoyed the thought of others seeing my thoughts, seeing little parts of my life. I loved talking into the void with the possibility of the void sometimes not being as much of a void and talking back to me. I love the connections I made through that, the friends I found, the experiences I had, the memories that were created and then again documented and shared.
To me this is essentially what social media is all about – documenting and sharing and creating connections that way. I love that side of social media so much and for a long time I had so much fun with it and I still do, I definitely still do. But things have changed, I have changed and the way I feel about social media has changed. Like I just said I still love it the same way I used to before, but I have been struggling with the sharing aspect of it for quite a while.
I think it is partly due growing up and maturing – realizing that you don't have to and don't want to and shouldn't share everything. Naturally I have many things documented that I never shared, decided against sharing, did not feel ready to share, never even thought about sharing. Those are not the things I struggle with.
What I struggle with are the things I want to share but something prevents me from doing so. Sometimes it is just time and forgetfulness, thinking about sharing something in the middle of the night when it would make more sense to do it during the day. But even with that I don't struggle too much, I have long accepted it as a part of my life and as much as it annoys me and I would like to change it, it is not too bad.
What really bothers me are the many things I get second thoughts about. I become hyperaware of how people might see and understand it, how it will make them see me, what implications it has, how others will react, what they might think, how it could come back to haunt me, even the most innocent things.
Now that I have written it out like this it sounds a lot like social anxiety and it's weird because social media was my escape from social anxiety for the longest time. It was the space where I felt comfortable to just be who I am, where I felt free and unrestrained, where I felt like me. That is what got taken away from me, what made me struggle to share things. I did not feel free and like myself anymore. Worse, I felt like I couldn't be free and like myself anymore.
I think I am now finally at a point of getting over this, of feeling free and like myself again online. I am ready now to tackle this struggle of sharing things. I miss blogging, I miss making youtube videos, I miss tweeting more or to put it generally: I really miss sharing stuff and feeling comfortable doing so, feeling excited about it, feeling seen and heard and making connections that way. While just documenting things without sharing them also has so much value, the sharing is an added feature, a bonus, the cherry on top.
At the start of November I asked myself: Do I want that still? I don't even like cherries, at least not raw or baked, but I do like their flavour. So I just want the flavour of sharing things?
Back then my answer was: I do definitely want to share some more again which is not something I can force, it's a process that comes naturally, I think. Just like how I naturally faded out before I will naturally fade back in now, at least that is what I am hoping for and what it feels like right now. Who knows, maybe I will actually end up posting this? On some new blog? We'll see.
Now I am one step further back into sharing more things again. I edited some old video footage and already posted it as new youtube videos. I am actively catching up with posting old pictures on my instagram. And this is the first post on my new blog. We'll see how well I'll be able to and want to keep up with all of this, but right now I am very much feeling it.
So here is to the future and a good 2023! Happy new year.