I don't remember how cold it was in like October and November, but even if we disregard those, this winter has been lasting for over three months, the cold has been lasting for over three months. It does not feel like March yet at all. It does not feel like spring yet at all. Apparently it will be 13°C pretty soon which is an intense temperature shift. Hopefully then it will stay at a higher temperature. Hopefully then it will finally start feeling like spring.
I feel like I really need that. Usually I've never been one to get too annoyed by the cold, definitely not by winter itself. I like the coziness of it. I like snow too. But not in March. I actually prefer the cold over the hot for sure. But I've had enough of it for this season. I finally want some warmth, some spring, some flowers, some change, some growth.
It's not just the actual continuous cold that makes it feel like this winter is lasting forever, in addition to that the phase I, my life is in right now also feels like it is an everlasting winter. Going from studying to I guess the work life is the weirdest transition ever to me. Everything feels weird, out of place, out of my control, wrong even. The traditional work life right now seems so odd to me, so undesirable, so draining, so wasteful. I don't want to work to be able to live. What life is that even if you work 8 hours for 5 days a week most weeks for decades on end? What is there left for living? I don't understand how people can live like that. Isn't everyone just miserable and if so, how do people still stick with that?
I have been in many situations where I have felt miserable and still kept going, so it's not like I am a stranger to that. I can do it, at least for a little while. But in most cases it will just end up making me feel even more miserable until I get to the point where I just can't stand it anymore. Do other people not have that? Or do they just live with that and still keep going? Do they feel like they have no other choice? Probably. I mean they probably really don't have or at the very least don't see another choice, especially with the way everything is becoming more expensive currently. Even an 8 hours a day 5 days a week job in many cases does not pay well enough to really live without worry. How fucking broken is this system?
Sounds very broken to me. Sadly that fact does not change anything at all about me having to somehow adjust, fit into that system in however way I can. I am struggling so much with that and I have a feeling this might either keep going for quite a while or it might actually never stop being a struggle and I guess that is what I am currently having to come to terms with. Funny enough I think I kind of always knew that I would struggle a lot with the work life thing, especially the 8 hours a day 5 days a week thing and the only solution I really see is that I just have to do my best to avoid that. I think 20 hours a week might be fine for me, maybe even 25. I don't care about making a lot of money at all. I just want to make enough to be okay, to be comfortable enough.
Currently I am just working a really small job that's about 10 hours a week and that definitely does not make enough money. Even with living with my mom and only paying a tiny bit of rent to her, this is not enough and I am also not happy with just working this little. It makes me feel uneasy and restless. Though it is nice that it gives me lots of time to make lots of youtube videos which is what I have been doing to structure my days and it is really fulfilling, but I don't even have 100 subs, so there is no way for me to make any kind of money from it currently and I truly don't think I will ever get there. That also isn't my goal. As nice as it would be to make money through youtube videos, I don't think it's realistic for me. Still I enjoy it as a hobby for sure. It's been a thing for 2,5 months now, so yay!
My plan for the future, that is already well in motion, is doing an apprenticeship at a library or actually multiple libraries. I have thought about working at a library for a while and there is something about it that feels really right. I wish I could have done an internship to really feel it out, but when I had the chance to do it as part of my studies (I did actually get approved for an internship at a library), it ended up not being possible due to me having to do too many hours (funny enough 8 hours 5 days a week for I think it was 6 weeks). But the application process for the apprenticeship has been going well so far. I had to do some tests and just today I got invited to do an interview which I am kinda scared of, but hopefully it will be okay and this will work out.
The reason why I have chosen to do an apprenticeship is that I feel like I am lacking practical skills big time. That's what I noticed when I tried getting into translating. I just had no practical experience with the field. Of course I can translate things, but there is much more to it when you want to do it as a job and as much as I tried finding my way into it, I felt way too overwhelmed. So I am hoping that an apprenticeship will be the right thing to teach me how to actually do the work life thing. I did have many part-time jobs here and there, so it's not like I never worked. I worked quite a lot and did quite a few different things over the years. But those were all small jobs like what I am doing now and while I actually liked some of them (including the one I am doing right now) they are for one not enough to make enough money and I am not really passionate about them.
I do think I need to have some passion for the work I will be spending so much time on, even if I end up being able to do just 20-25 hours it will still be a lot of my time. Working at a library I feel like can really be something I feel passionate about. I love books. I love how libraries make knowledge and stories accessible to people. I love organizing. I love that libraries are important to society. I think libraries really connect a lot of the things in one place that I am already passionate about and that's why working there has already been something that has been on my mind for a while.
So I am really hoping that this works out and that with that the everlasting winter that is my current life phase will end and it can finally be spring again. Finishing university did give me so much excitement and that is still in me. I still feel this excitement for moving forward, discovering new horizons, experiencing this change and everything it has to offer for me. I want that to keep growing, to become even more excited, to learn, to take opportunities, to see everything life has to offer me.
The future actually doesn't scare me. It is full of opportunities, of possibilities, of new exciting things. I am more than ready for that. I am more than ready for (my) spring.