24.6.24: Being who I want to be

I have so many thoughts about 'Being who I want to be' swirling through my head that I don't really know where to start. It is something that has been said many times over, something that's meant to be inspirational, motivational, empowering. Yet it so often feels like something impossible to achieve, almost even like a lie, a deception. Of course I can't just be who I want to be. How is that supposed to work? It takes effort and time and dedication and all those sort of things that I don't always or even rarely have. So how the hell am I just supposed to be who I want to be!?

It almost feels mocking, judgy, shaming. “If you aren't who you want to be, then what are you even doing? You have so much potential and yet you are not doing anything with it. You will never be the person you want to be.” Being who I want to be often has felt and feels like something that will never be achievable, something I am not meant to reach, something that will always just be some ideal I am running after but never getting closer to.

I think I am starting to realize, starting to really recognize and see that I was wrong or that I am wrong to feel like that. My perspective towards it is changing. I don't know if it has anything to do with changing negative beliefs into positive ones because I have not actively been working on that, but it might have helped unlock something within me, within my mind, my heart, my soul that is really changing my view on things, changing how I view myself and my own abilities.

Because the truth is that I already have achieved a lot. I am already the person I want to be in many ways. If I went back only a few years I would be incredibly impressed with the things I have managed to do, how I have come closer to being who I want to be. It's just hard to see, to realize and recognize that sometimes. It does take time and effort and dedication and all those things I don't always have, but I can manage to work on things sometimes and make progress and over time it can lead to great things, to great changes.

Writing everyday or at least writing a lot was something I always saw as part of who I want to be and I was already doing that for years and years and yes, I fell off a bit recently, but I am working my way back into it and the fact that I already did it for many years, that I am dedicated to getting there again, that I feel this joy and passion and need to write by itself already shows that I am a writer, that I write regularly, that I create characters and worlds and stories, that writing is my passion, my calling. That has been something that I already am and have been for a long long time. That part of being who I want to be I already reached and I am proud of that. I'll hold onto it. I'll keep working on continuing to be like that, to be someone that writes with never ending passion.

Writing so much is something that comes very naturally to me, but nonetheless I have to put in the effort and make time for it. It does often feel like I can never do everything I want to do and that is true to a degree, but I can finish things, I can give time to the projects I want to give time to and I have already learned somewhat how to do that, how to be better about that. I have already come such a long way with my writing and I will keep going ever further.

Doing Yoga pretty much every day or at least every other day, again regularly, but actually daily for the most part, is another big achievement that is part of who I want to be. I am someone that does Yoga a lot, that loves Yoga and that through Yoga is more active, more mentally and emotionally stable, calmer, more at peace, more connected to my body and myself, more present in the moment. It's lovely. It's something I am so proud of and something that makes me happy every single day.

This too took some effort and dedication and definitely discipline. I didn't build the routine to do Yoga so much over night. It took me many attempts of doing it for a while, stopping and then restarting, stopping again and so forth. But eventually I fully felt and understood how much I love doing it and how beneficial it really is for me, how right it feels and with that understanding, that feeling it was suddenly easy to get myself to do it a lot, every single day and now I miss it so much when I don't do it for whatever reason. I do now have this inherent need to just do it again whenever I can. It has become almost like writing. It is something I need and want so much. It has become an integral part of me. It has become part of who I am, another step, another puzzle piece of being who I want to be turning into being who I am.

Being vegan is another big topic that makes me feel extremely happy and proud. For years and years of watching vegan youtubers I thought I could never do it while wanting to do it so much. It was one of those things that felt so impossible to me and yet here I am! Here I am having been vegan for 1,5 years at this point! (At the time of posting this it's been 2 years!) And I have no intention whatsoever of ever stopping being vegan. I didn't always know that this is something I would care about so much, similar to Yoga which I only really discovered once I had tried it out. But it was something that was on my mind for so long and I knew the person who I want to be would be vegan and now I did it, I've been doing it for over a year! How wonderful is that!?

As I finished my bachelor thesis I decided to go all out or go all in and become fully vegan. Even before that I had already only very rarely eaten meat and a lot of the products I was consuming were vegan already, so it wasn't a huge chance at that point. As I moved back to my hometown though, back in with my mom, seeing my big family a lot for family events, going out to eat, many challenges presented themselves. There were for sure many times were giving up or giving in would have been easier and there were some little slip ups here and there, but that's okay. I am still very dedicated to this and staying dedicated to it because it is something I really deeply believe in.

Those are just three things that are part of the person I want to be and I successfully turned them into three things that are actually part of me, of my daily life, of who I am. There are many other things I have at least partly achieved, things I always work on, big things I know I want to and in a way have to get to in the future. There is still a lot more I need to do, need to change to really fully be who I want to be, but some puzzle pieces are already there and I am so happy and proud of that.

To me it really shows that I can be who I want to be, I already am who I want to be, in some ways at least, in important ways. It gives me hope, motivation, even energy. It makes me believe in myself which I think is something important I was and kind of still am lacking, but I know I can build it up. I can get there. I can become a person that believes in themself. I can make that a reality. I can change the perception of myself. I can grow beyond what I think is possible. I am who I want to be. I am becoming who I want to be. I'll be who I want to be. It is very much possible.

22.1.24: From the autumn of recovering to the winter of a new obsession

 

October 2023: I feel like a mess. In a good and in a bad way. I feel like everything is constantly spinning – around me and inside me, in opposite directions. Wouldn't that stabilize everything again? A plus and a minus make a... nothing? Zero. -1 plus +1 equal 0. Where am I even going with this? I don't know. Nowhere. And everywhere at once. That is what my brain, my thoughts, my mind are like – going nowhere and everywhere at once.

There is always some sort of conversation happening in my head. A lot of the time I am talking to myself, sometimes to specific people, sometimes to no one at all, to the universe maybe or the void, the emptiness. It can get quite dark in there sometimes. Those conversations, they can end in disaster. But they can also end in hope. Most often they end in me feeling silly because they would never happen the way they do in my head in real life. Which... that is exaclty the point, isn't it? It's not supposed to be real, not at all. It's all just in my head for a reason. Be it practice, be it coping, be it just for fun, for entertainment, as a distraction. Be it whatever.

I am shaking right now. I want to cry and I don't know why. Maybe it's the relief finally setting in. Or it's fear. Knowing that I am starting something new again in a few days, something that's hopefully better, way way better, than the last few months, is very relieving, very freeing. But it is also scary. Anything new is so scary to me. It's also exciting for sure, but I think after the excitement always comes the fear with these things. I wish there was only excitement. I don't like the fear.

I don't like feeling afraid, insecure, anxious, incapable, forgetful, unconcentrated, lost. I don't feel like I belong here – in this world, this society. I feel like I am off somewhere in the clouds, somewhere far far away where it is much nicer. I want to live in my dreams, the good ones, the bright ones, the happy ones. I can imagine wonderful things for myself. I can dream the most wonderful dreams.

It's simple things that I want, nothing special. I am not asking for much. I just want to be happy, content, at peace, stable, free. That should be doable, right? That's not too much to ask, is it? Why does it feel so impossible then? Why does it feel like everything is upside down for me and I can't... do anything, go anywhere while everyone else seems to be fine? I know everyone has their struggles and we are all stuck in our own heads, our own lives in some way. I know that if I didn't have the problems I do, I would probably just have different ones. I don't think it's easy for anyone.

But why is it so hard for me? Is there a way to make it easier? What does that even mean? I don't know. I don't know anything. Well, that's not true. I do know stuff, so much stuff. I do think I am smart. I do think I can do thinks. In theory. Trying to put things to practice is... It's like not translating well. Something is disconnecting. It's me, I am disconnected. From everything. Sometimes even from myself. I am just drifting. Drifting through an endless sea of... of I don't even know what.

In all honesty I don't even know if I want to be found, be unlost, be fixed. I do want to heal, nourish myself, be happy. I do want that. But this swirling mess in my head, that's a part of me, if not the part of me. I think it's what makes me be able to write, to imagine, to dream, to see the world in the way that I do. What would I be if I didn't have that? Hell, I would feel even more empty. There would be nothing left.

Whenever I felt really down, it was my fantasy that saved me, that took me by the hand and lead me out of the darkness into a bright colourful place. Writing specifically has always giving me the outlet, the distraction, the opportunity to process that I needed. Without that I might not even be here anymore. I might have gone to even darker places.

I am getting out of a dark place right now, in real life. Using fantasy to cope is always temporary. It can't change anything in real life all by itself. It can help, get you through things, carry you over, hold your hand. But it can't act. You are the one acting and you have to act. I have to act. There is no sitting back and letting the story write itself. I need to be active, keep moving, keep pushing. I can do it. I already have everything I need within me.

That last sentence is my new life motto I think. I already have everything I need within me. Something about that sounds so powerful. Like I just need to channel this something within me. Like I just need to dig deep enough. Like I only have to peel back all the outer layers. Somewhere in me what I need already exists. I can find it and make it shine. Make it shine so bright, it will outshine all the darkness, make all the shadows go away. That sounds nice.

There is so much inside of me. And I rarely ever let it show. I put it down into words like this or in the form of stories. I talk with friends online in detail. I like to pick things apart, to analyze, to go really deep, to talk things through. I like to listen to my own spinning thoughts. I like my mind to wander, to dream, to imagine. I want the world to see. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. I don't want to hold back, hide away, make myself invisible anymore. I am so done with that. It's so exhausting.

I want to be free, to let go, to let it out. I want to be me. Just me, freely, unapologetically. I already have everything I need inside me and that's it – all of this wonderful mess I have going on in my head, that is everything I need. It's all there, inside me. It has been there all along. I just need to finally set it free.

November & December 2023: I did not write anything in my personal journey where I take bits and pieces from for this blog in november and december of 2023, so there is nothing from there that I could put here. But I can say that the new thing, the new job was and is very good for me. Though it didn't give me everything I hoped for – which mainly is more time but also more energy – it did give me somewhat more time at least, time that I needed to recover.

I didn't use that time to do anything aside from that yet and I think looking back on it now in january of 2024 I couldn't. I simply could not yet focus on anything else. I had to recover first and find my way back to a place, a space, an energy level at which I can actually think about and pursue things that will push me forward. I am only now with january of 2024 being almost over getting to a point where I can do that.

January 2024: I found myself a new obsession, a sub-obsession to the one I have with this wonderful game that saved me in the summer of 2023. I found myself this new obsession and got hopelessly lost in it for the last few weeks. Has it really only been a few weeks? It feels much longer, mainly because it is so intense, so wonderful and I can't imagine my life without it right now, don't want to imagine it without it, want to cling to it and that's exactly what I've been doing and it's been great.

There is always a part of me that longs for finding some sort of rhythm, some sort of discipline, some sort of plan. I think that is the potentially autistic part of me. The part that craves that order, those rules, the structure and safety that it provides.

Then there always is another part of me that thrives on the chaos, on just letting myself be swept away by whatever I feel the urge to pursue in that moment, by whatever catches my eyes, spurs my motivation, activates my creativity, satisfies this urge of intense immersion in one thing. I'd say that is the potentially ADHD part of me, though that last bit also applies to being autistic. It's the part that is running, spinning, vibrating at all times always, that gets me excited so easily, that gets me invested so deeply, that makes me want joy over anything else.

It's not hard to see how much those two parts tend to clash and to me it never feels like there is a balance, more like a constant fight and for some periods of time one part wins over the other before the next fight breaks out and maybe the same part will win again or the other one gets a turn for however long until the next fight happens.

In some way it's a bit funny, but for the most part it is a struggle. It's hard. It's overbearing, overwhelming, overly exhausting. Clinging to that one thing that brings me so much joy, which I am currently in a phase like that with my newest obsession, prevents me from doing anything else I might like to do, because that one thing takes up all the space, all the time. It's like a black hole, sucking everything else into it. Other things might still bring me joy, but not to the same amount, not with the same intensity, so of course all my focus is on that one thing that brings me the most joy that I crave so much, that I need to keep going, to be motivated, to feel alive.

I don't know if I am getting back to a stage now where I can at least somewhat branch out again or if I have simply gathered enough strength through getting so much joy from this one thing. Maybe both, like usually it's probably both. Because I do feel like I now have some strength that I didn't have before, that I was always trying to find, that I felt like I could never have because everything is always already so exhausting. I need all my strength for that. Where would I possibly get more strength from?

Well, I guess I have either found enough strength now or I have some left over and found some space because I am on a nice little five day vacation break and I am finally recovered enough from the summer of being gone, have finally found my way back enough to take care of my way going forward. It's still scary and overwhelming, but I know I can make the first step now. I am ready.